Putting the "Pee" in "Problem"

There are some things in life that are absolutely certain, things that can’t be helped. Inasmuch as the sun will rise tomorrow, the world will continue to turn on its axis, and our planet will continue its ceaseless course around the sun (sans any cataclysmic extraterrestrial screw-ups), Mother Nature will keep calling. And when she calls, man, you better answer, or else. Typical woman.

Honestly, the truth of the matter is that, sometimes, you just gotta go. Sometimes even in public. Well, a public restroom, that is. We’ve all experienced those times where we have to excuse ourselves: sometimes in the middle of a conversation, sometimes during an important meeting. Oddly enough, whatever cosmic power happens to be in charge of potty breaks seems to know the most inopportune moments to burst in and intrude on our peaceful daily routines.

I believe, as a fellow human, it is only right and proper for me to endeavor to make those unexpected encounters much more enjoyable. It is also my belief that we of the male population are often short-changed in the department of comfort, especially when it comes down to the use of the urinal.

The urinal. Whose idea was that, anyway? “Hey, I got an idea! Guys have the ability empty the tank standing up, so why don’t we save some money and install large sinks in the wall where they can do their business? Better yet, let’s put them right next to each
other, without barriers, so that patrons will be able to have a nice conversation about the weather while relieving themselves!” To make matters worse, urinals are usually only placed in odd numbers, leaving one poor unfortunate soul playing Monkey in the Middle. Such conditions can turn such a simple human act as taking a whiz into an unspeakable nightmare.

But, my friends, I do bring you good tidings: our horrendous situation can be made more pleasurable (or, at the very least, not as gross) by following some simple behavioral guidelines. I assure you, if every God-fearing man on this great green earth were to follow
these commandments I here present, life would be, in the words of modern composer Frank Wildhorn, “’relieved’ of all that is unbearable”. With these sentiments expressed, I now present for your kind consideration: The Thee Commandments of Waste Removal Etiquette.

Rule Number One: Wait Your Turn. Now, by waiting, I don’t mean standing around tapping your foot or whistling, and I certainly don’t mean “getting in line” right behind someone. A person in midstream is always, always, a person who needs his space. Be very careful when and how you approach someone during urinal use. I recommend that if you poke your head into the restroom and see all of the stations are full, just wait outside. Relieving oneself is not by any means a relatively lengthy activity and you shouldn’t have to wait long. This is actually directly advantageous to you, because you would have had to wait anyway, whether or not you actually did the waiting inside the Room of Doom. Much better to wait outside then in a smelly bathroom, wouldn’t you say? This not only adds to your comfort, but to the comfort of those currently doing their penance inside.

Rule Number Two: Keep Urinal Conversation to a Minimum. Now, the word “minimum” in this context actually means, “don’t do it at all, duh!” Seriously, people, when I’m making my donation to the nearest water treatment plant, the last thing I want to happen is for some conversation-starved individual to swagger up, take his place beside me, and proceed to tell me about his day/the weather/his wife/whatever…while I am taking a pee. I want you to think about that for a second. Read it again, if you have to. There has got to be something terribly wrong with making small talk with someone while they are in one of mankind’s most vulnerable positions. Honestly, there are some moments when a man has to be left alone. Furthermore, to make matters even weirder, many men are more inclined to talk to you while lined up at the de-watering hole than, say, standing in the checkout line at the supermarket. There are moments in life when a pleasant chat with a stranger is welcome. Standing in line happens to be one of those moments. Standing at the trough with your pants unbuttoned is not. Don’t get me wrong, being outgoing is generally a good thing. Just remember, there’s a time and a place for everything.

Rule Number Three: Be Modest. Come on, people. This is the simplest of my already extremely simple rules, yet it seems to be the one least followed. Consider this for a moment: if I’m outside on break, standing in front of a busy street, and suddenly old Mother Nature sends me a message, what would happen if I decided to drop my pants then and there? I’d probably get arrested. For what, you ask? For public nudity. Ask yourself this question: if there is something wrong with people seeing what they inevitably would see in this case, why is it suddenly A-OK when standing shoulder-to-
shoulder in a public restroom? See where I’m going here? That is why I ask-no, I beg of you, for the sanity of mankind, and for the preservation of your own pride and humanity: be sure and stick the entire pelvis in, so you aren’t front-flashing your neighbor. Now, I don’t know how secure you are in your own manhood, and to be honest, I really don’t care. That’s far from the issue. I can guarantee you this much with all certainty: most other males you encounter in a restroom setting would rather not see your where-the-sun-don’t-shine. As for those that do want a peek, you probably don’t want them looking anyway. Whoever’s in charge of male waste management must have been sniffing Sharpies when they decided urinals don’t need barriers. So, in the meantime, we men have to make do with what we have. So please, make sure that the “what you have” of which I speak is well out of sight.

Well, that concludes my three urinal use commandments. If these extremely simple rules are followed to the letter, I can promise you, the world will be a much happier place. Well, we’re not exactly talking bunny rabbits and rainbows here (or are we…?),
but at least man’s grievous situation will become a little more bearable. In the meantime, I’ll be using the stall, thank you very much.

- Jude